No Refunds on Eternity

When VitaCore Systems arrives at Shady Palms Retirement Village with biometric stations, wellness pathways, and a founder who remembers everyone's grandchildren's names, Mortimer Tinkerbottom does what he does best: refuses to scan his wristband and pays close attention.VitaCore calls it the future of elder care. Mortimer calls it a machine asking gratitude questions in front of the mail cubbies. His neighbor Carl calls it a reason to guard the cheese. Their friend Dorothy just wants to know why the courtyard station is standing between a woman and her tomatoes.But when an internal memo surfaces describing residents as a legacy cohort with a biological asset depreciation curve, and Mortimer's daughter signs a form at 11:42 p.m. that she didn't fully read, it becomes clear that VitaCore isn't selling care. It's selling the appearance of care - to families too tired to read the fine print, at the expense of people too old to be worth arguing with.The residents of Shady Palms have a different opinion.Armed with a maintenance worker's growing file of evidence, a retired teacher who treats contracts like opposing counsel, a crossword book that keeps triggering the surveillance system, and a scooter horn that plays La Cucaracha at inopportune moments, Mortimer and his ensemble prepare for a Town Hall that Caden Mercer III will not soon forget.No Refunds on Eternity is a dark comedy about dignity, data, the price of pretending to care, and what happens when a man who calls death a scalability problem meets a woman who moved six garden beds seven inches rather than let a contractor win.The coffee was expensive.He should have checked the cup.